Forgiveness....hmmmm....ya I would like to say that I am really good at this. Unfortunately I am human. I am not easily offended but once you have flipped my switch it's hard for me to let go. In fact I give lots of chances and then bottle it up until well the switch is flipped. It takes time to forgive after that. Well for me.
I am pretty sure the Lord wants me to get it down to where I can just say , eh don't worry about that you just ripped my heart out. Hey so what if you turned my entire life upside down. You know you were awful to my kids but don't worry. Ya I am a work in progress.
The thing is about forgiveness that I have learned is this, you don't really do it for the other person. They have to figure it out themselves. You forgive for you. You forgive so you have peace.
Example I at one point was angry,furious, just didn't care about my dad. (Shocker) I was angry at him for his choices. Angry he chose alcohol over me! Yes me his daughter who loved him. I hated that he couldn't stop. I hated that literally one time I asked him to choose and he popped the top of the can and drank it. See at the time I thoughts I understood addiction. Holy smokes was I wrong. I could help but be so angry with him. I even remember telling my mom I was never speaking to him again and if he died oh well. I said I wasn't going to go to his funeral either. He had hurt me. I loved him and thought the world of him and he chose the beer?!!!
Ok fast forward a few years. Little by little (and many prayers) I started to let go of the hurt. I grew up. I realized that he was sick. He had a sickness that he couldn't fight. I would pray about whether I should help him. Every stinking time I would get the answer "What would Christ do?" (NOT the answer I wanted.) I would allow him to come over. Give him a bed, food, a shower, time with his grandkids, etc. There was a catch, I would have him work in the yard, help me, things that he was good at. That was one thing I knew helped him feel loved. Another catch NO DRINKING at my house or around my house. Slowly he and I rebuilt our relationship.
I remember it wasn't easy. It took time to forgive him. The hurt would happen again and I just had to let it go.
I remember the exact time, place, everything when I finally forgave him for everything. It was driving home after he was sick. I had just spent 3 days with him in the hospital. I had dropped him off in Heber to my brother. I was coming down Parleys and a song came on. I started bawling. I knew that he would die soon. (Not as soon as he did. I thought I had a little longer). I remember thinking how much I really did love him. Just as much as he really loved me. You see about a week later he died. I never did get to tell him. I had a prompting to call for a week. I was about to call when I got the call. This is when I learned how important forgiveness really is. I am stubborn and have to learn the hard way. This though helped me to realize what is important.
Do I always just forgive and move on NOPE!! It's something I kinda suck at.
Now fast forward to now. I have had some issues with a person. It has been hard to forgive. I have been trying and trying. I think it was harder because it isn't family. Anyways the other day I happened to see this person. Do you know what happened? All the feelings of hate, anger, fear(yes Catherine has fears), was gone! It was ALL gone. I sat in my room hat night and realized I don't care about the hurt that person caused. Why? Because I have forgiven. I want to see my dad and have my eternal family that the hurt and anger was holding me back from that.
I guess the whole point is. I am at peace with all of this. I can't change others. Just as they can't change me. I have a hard time like I said once the switch has been flipped. I have learned though that I am the only one that can control my peace. Am I saying forgive right away? Well that depends on you. Me I am working on it. Right now though I am good. I have forgiven. I have even started to forgive myself.
Just keep swimming. Love your family. Forgive because life is way to short. And just be YOU!!
P.S.these ramblings don't have to make sense to you, they make sense to me.
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